did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
