i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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