I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Dear god my vagina.
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