you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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