pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
