Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
