That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
