Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
