She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
