I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
