she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
