Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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