My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
