I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
