WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Randomize
