I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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