As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
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