o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
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