I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
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