Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
