a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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