Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
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