if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
