it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize