Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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