I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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