When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
