just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
