so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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