That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
