She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
