The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
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