I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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