Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
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