She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
