and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
