Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
