I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize