Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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