I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
