shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
