My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
