He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
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