why didn't you poke me back
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Randomize
