i just sent this text using only my big toe
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
