Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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