i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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