If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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