i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
