Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
