This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Randomize
