why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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