I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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