Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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