one word: firstdatebathroomanal
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
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