I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
