just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Randomize
