We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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