I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
