Betty ford says i'm here all night
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
